The Longest War

A Psychotherapist’s Experience of Divorce, Custody, and Power

By Catherine Harrington, PhD

As a naïve college freshman, Catherine meets Walter, a senior and a Big Man on Campus whose sophistication, confidence, and wealth intimidate and excite her. A three-year, long-distance courtship follows, and a vision of life with Walter tethers Catherine to safety. Catherine was programmed to marry someone like Walt, so she ignores early signs that they might not be a good match. The union pleases her mother; they marry and have two sons. Catherine tries earnestly to make a difficult marriage work. Ultimately, she proposes therapy, but it doesn’t help. She has an affair, and the marriage ends.

Once divorced, Catherine finds herself at war with Walt, a wealthy attorney and his second wife Nora, over money and access to Catherine and Walt’s children. The vitriolic, expensive, and high-stakes battle exposes Catherine’s unresolved childhood traumas. The Longest War is a story of a mother who, in order to see her children, had to develop enough backbone to stand up to her ex-husband and his second wife; in order to stop people-pleasing, Catherine had to face her own unresolved childhood traumas. Honest and unflinching, The Longest War reminds us that life’s most painful experiences are an opportunity to learn, heal and evolve into more open and compassionate people.

Four Questions for Catherine Harrington

What inspired you to write the story of your long custody battle?

Like people who have survived trauma, I had only anecdotes of isolated, fragmented memories. I needed to know the whole, grounded in the facts and the sequence of events: What happened? Who did what? How did we get to a place of such enmity?

What are your thoughts about how the legal system works for divorcing parents?

Not well. First, the courts are arbitrary: much depends on the county you’re in and the judge assigned to your case. It is a harsh system that is not nuanced enough to address child development, family dynamics, and the acting-out of the unconscious — all of which are at play. Furthermore, courts are structured to be adversarial: one parent “wins” and the other “loses.” Angry people will find ways to use the court system to exert power and to punish. Court hearings are not a good way to settle custody disputes…but it’s what we have.

How did your training as a psychotherapist affect your decision-making during the divorce and custody years?

My training taught me to think psychologically, and to understand that childhood shapes who we are as adults. My own reactivity often came from childhood wounds – and the same was true for my ex-husband. We both wanted the best for our sons. I knew that no matter how angry I was, like it or not, I had to reach for my higher angels to help me temper my words and control my behavior.

What do you hope readers will take away from your memoir?

I spent days on end reviewing letters and court documents. By piecing together the facts and the sequence of events, the fog of war dissipated. Instead of being filled with doubt and uncertainty, I finally found some clarity, peace and healing.

The Longest War might comfort and encourage people going through a tough custody dispute; more broadly, it might help anyone in painful circumstances to know there is a path to healing and acceptance.